That’s really the beat way to describe the last few months, and why it’s been taking so damn long to just get off my feet. There’s a lot on the human side of my plate right now. Going from having 5 roommates to living with one other person has its benefits, but there’s a tangible sense of loneliness I’m still trying to hard to work through. All I have to get anywhere is the local trolley which doesn’t actually reasonably reach the people I adore. The sense of extreme isolation’s been hard to shake. The world I live in just got a lot more frightening queer women, to drop a terrifying cherry on top of this exhausting sundae too. I’ve finally made progress on the mental health and wellness fronts at least, but while naming my demons means I may finally have the chance to slay some of them, there’s a good chance I’ll need to put a lot of my energy over the next few months or years simply learning to manage a life alongsode them. Part of me is relieved, though. Some nights I can pick myself up knowing at least a small few of my failures can be traced back to general cognitive dysfunction and mood imbalances, as opposed to simply being the hallmark of worthless individual. Not that I LIKE to shift blame. But it makes it a little easier sometimes to then carry on 🙂 If all goes well and I keep up with my appointments, hopefully my neuropshyc test coming up next year is illuminating enough to get the specific names for what’s all broken up in there and I can start solving the muddled puddle in my brainpan with some science!
Lab progress has been stalled to a degree. Finally got some form of lighting back, which has at least made it viable to be in there by the time I’m home at an incredibly dark 6pm. Ah, daylight savings! I still need to figure out some storage solutions though. Which I can only really solve with furniture at this point. Furniture which costs money. Money that I severely lack, as my rent’s gone from 500/mo to 1600/mo and my student loans have reached 1200/mo. Starting to think my prospects of cleaning up old debts so I can get a vehicle and some land outside of the city within the next few years are looking slimmer by the day, since I can’t even manage to get a frame for my mattress. If I had any talents I could look into more night work, but alas. Just gotta keep grinding away at some projects.
Doing some work lately with Android. Specifically trying to log in to a node/mongo webserver from an app so I can send and save some basic information. The only problem with having unlimited ways to do something seems to be a lack of support in learning how. Most of the tutorials I’ve dug up either hinge on deprecated libraries, only function with an entirely different stack, or are structured in such a widely different way from all other approaches. Looming themes of failure are making it hard to keep pushing, but I’ll be damned (moreso) if I just throw the towel in.
Hopefully once these holidays roll through I can start documenting and sharing actual projects and experiments. Looking to try starting a small culinary mushroom terrarium in part of my lab, and since MA legalized weed I may be looking into starting a nice indoors garden with some arduino sensor help. Hm, it would be cool to send a message to my internal magnets when the soil needs some water, perhaps 🙂 or find some other way to integrate an actual small ecosystem into the self somehow. I’ll have to start scheming…